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Some days I am overcome with visions of my past. Like layers of paint on an old house I have gone over and over the cracks in my life to protect and hide my weakness's. Don't we all? Soon we all tire of touching up our imperfections, and as the paints starts to crack rather than go over it one more time, we let it fade and peel away. Silently and slowly we start exposing all that is wrong with us. How beautiful it is to stumble upon these imperfect objects, to have the light shine on them for what they really are, ugly shelters, holding so much more than anyone could have ever imagined.

Just a thought

A white wine, brandy based, sangria. Fresh mozzarella, pesto, and tomato. June, mid afternoon in New Paltz. Listening to women banter about the shameful men in their lives and a group of friends discussing the pros and cons of robotics. There's a seventeen year old boy dying for my company. To walk along the rail trail and probably make an unpracticed move. I yearn to find Dylan's old stomping grounds and not have to worry about work tomorrow, school in the fall, or the bills that have too suddenly become a major part of my thoughts. Today I am just enjoying the sun, and the breeze, this cute dress I put on, and the empty house that awaits me when I finally return home.

Women talking to strangers about therapists, shady men, and the lonely single life. Wasting all their money on pricey booze for cheap conversation. That women you just sloppily gave your number too, who you chose to confide in like she has been your friend for years, she is never going to call you. She doesn't care, she as well was merely looking for a temporary break from her own sad shortcomings in life, that aided with help from the drink only seem that much larger. When you leave she will make eyes at you with the bartender and for a moment feel like maybe she isn't as lost as you. Don't worry, she is.

A young girl, still daunting unshaved legs, that only show her innocence and naivety waits for her family to stop reminiscing and aimlessly walks around the wine shop. I used to be that girl, I used to be that bored. Funny thing is it doesn't get much better when you get older. Sometimes it's even worse because now people actually expect you to listen to them, god forbid even contribute to their meaningless conversations that they really have no grounds to even be talking about in the first place. Regardless, they're drunk on words and she's sober. She just wants to go home and play with her dog, to check her Facebook likes, and make plans to defy her parents in the near future.

Three generations of women sit in a room and I am in the middle. I have been where that young girl has been and I am petrified of being where that woman is now. Here I sit looking over them both, reflecting on my own doings and I realize that they very well could be doing the same to me.

As the river ebbs and flows here I ponder what brought me here. Everything is so easy. Crossing and intertwining with one another;  you'd never know if something weren't mean to be. Life moves so fast and thoughts soon become decisions, and then plans, and soon you're looking at nothing but an empty sky and wondering about whether or not you made the right decision. I'd like to think I have, yeah I'd like to think I have.

Father's Day

This day along with Mother's Day is always a reflective kind of day for me. Though I am beyond thankful that I was able to call my dad today and wish him a Happy Father's Day (I also called my mom and wished her a happy day as well) I can't help but form a list of all the good times and bad that I have shared with both of my parents. Though I won't bore anyone that may stumble upon this with the list; for me these days have become more of recognizing parents in the simplest form possible, human...and thanking them for taking on the responsibility of caring for (to the best of their capabilities) the life of another.  Life doesn't just stop when you become a parent. All of the trivialities and responsibilities that you had prior are still there if not heightened by bringing another life into the world. There were times I wondered why the hell my parents thought they should have children but there were also times that I know brought all of us so much joy and love. As I've grown I've started to think of my parents less as people that are "responsible for me" and more as two people that gave me life. We are all learning and constantly growing together, through all of the good and the bad. I know that they are beyond proud of me simply by the tone in their voices when they tell me they love me. They have never believed that I would fail even when I though they did. And though I've seen them at their worse; and they at mine, I know that even when I thought they were against me they simply saw a mirror image of their lives flashing before them and didn't want the same outcome. Though when I share with them my stories of nights I believe I will always remember I know they laugh at the remembrance of their own younger years and are thankful to have given me my free spirit and good nature. One thing my parents have constantly told me both separately and together that their greatest gift between one another was creating both my brother and I. Though my parents are seldom together anymore I can see the look in their eyes when they speak of one another that there was so much love between them. For that I thank them and will forever hold that in my heart, both for the good and the bad. With that being said I urge everyone to do the same not only on Father's Day or Mother's Day but everyday. Because no matter where you stand with your parents today, there was once a time and more than likely will be again that they will look back and think of you as their greatest creation. Thank them for it, because no matter how you want to put it, without them there would not be a you.

6/13

Turning in cadence like the arms on a clock tower. I never would've guessed that time would just stop. Hours and minutes overlap and soon all time is lost. Where is the clock smith to fix these broken arms? To rewind and restart the time that once seemed so infinite.

Sailor Jerry

He grabbed my hand and told me without saying anything that he'd never met someone so together yet so broken. So strange to love a stranger, yet he showed me all he understood by how many times he kissed me. It was enough to remind a lost girl that she really is enough. He left when the sun came up and I said it was nice to meet you. He said; "The pleasure was all mine darlin". Cheap whiskey and the company of a stranger. That's all I needed to momentarily forget about you.

Pick One

 Desiring to be eloquent and colorful, my juxtaposing figures both caressing and enveloping me giving off the that almost mysterious yet totally readable quality. Visibly smudged in some areas, like the shadows that permanently reside below my eyes yet are so well defined at the edges its like a mirror into my soul. Ending with the fact that I am completely erasable. Like the words that run across these pages, unlike the blue in my eyes and the blood in my veins I can all too easily erase what once was and start anew.