Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Part III
Slowly I allow you to undress me, our bodies gliding in a synchronistic cadence that only years of practice can attest to. No amount of time or lapse of in between can compare to the feeling of you on top of me. Climax leads to confusion as I drift into the abyss of me and you. This is all a façade. So I will put old feelings aside and go on living this life of mine. For even though I am daily haunted with memories that fall over me like a blanket of gossamers in a desolate field and am constantly set forth in a whirl wind of desire by allowing them to osculate through my heart just one more time; it only brings me back to the state of conjuncture that you left me in, where it all fell apart. Like shards of zircon, stunning and seemingly real to the untrained eye, you envelope my entire being; consuming me for all that I am worth. It will take many a sleepless night to get you out of my mind.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Fighting the Fuedal System, Or Just Going With the Motions?
I have always had a job, from the ripe young age of 15; and although my job experiences have thankfully gotten better with age, I can't help but think that the Feudal System never really died. Day in and day out I get up and go to work, and for what gain? To still find myself struggling to make ends meet at the end of every month and seemingly watch my youth forever slip through my fingertips. Me and the rest of America right? I understand I'm definitely not the only one, and that there are so many people that are far worse off than myself; but sometimes I can't help but question our society and why it works the way it does. ~~::;;"" yea yea yea I know I sound like a broken record but hear me out, if you do so choose.
I'm a 21 year old, Junior in college, putting myself through school, working two jobs, and trying to keep a hold on all the things I do so hope to accomplish in my time on this fickle place we all call home. LOANS. Lets not talk about loans. They're there, and they are super helpful, I can honestly say that without student loans I wouldn't be able to pass school. For me although I could probably scrape by with my own wages, they are a form of security for me, they allow me to pay that doctor bill I've had for the past 3 years on time, that I can have WiFi in my home so that after working 13 hours I can go home to study and not to an internet café or the library. Frankly they allow me to live comfortably, as I'm sure is the case with many people that I know are going through similar scenarios as myself. But don't for a second think that the voice in the back of my head isn't screaming; these need to be paid back and PRONTO!
On to living. I live in a pretty decent sized apartment complex. $1250 a month for a two bedroom, one bathroom, no utilities included, in the Village. Not bad. Previous apartments. $1200, 6 bedroom, heat and hot water included. The one before that, $1225, 4 bedroom, water included. Granted I'm in a more renovated apartment, in an awesome location, but HOLY SHIT. Granted this is my choice, I couldn't live in a dorm room, I like feeling safe in my home, I like being able to have my own space. I understand livin aint easy, but in the present months after much mulling over my living expences, I came across a handful of podcasts and found that there are slews of middle aged adults who are in the very same situation that I am in! I'm 21, they're grown adults, over college, half way through their careers, packing up and moving because they can't afford to live in their homes. Once again I come back to the fact that I really am blessed to be able to take care of myself the way that I do, but there's that voice in my head again saying, aren't I going to school so that I don't have to worry about living at some point? Hmmph, I'm starting to think the change does not come....
We are a society that builds and builds debt insurmountably, and in the process of doing so we turn a blind eye and tell ourselves that things will change in a few years and that it will all just wash away. In the process of scrubbing away at our debt we are only spreading it. So what do we do? Go with the motions? Today I was mowing my employer's lawn, and couldn't help but wonder how many other young adults my age were doing that at 1030 in the morning on a Thursday? Last year I wouldn't have been. I more than likely would've been hungover, in bed, begging someone to bring me a cup of coffee. Granted if I wasn't in that state I would've been sleeping, after working until 4 in the morning the night before. Pick your poison I guess. With age comes more responsibility, with the want for more comes the need for cash, and with that comes more responsibility.
The thing that really gets me is that I didn't want to go to school. I just understand that you have to. I want to write, I want to travel and take pictures, and sit in circles with strangers and laugh and cry. I want to teach English in another country and give a child a hot meal that maybe has never had one before. I want to soak up every great little spectacle that this Earth has to offer. But our society makes it awful hard for a 21 year old girl, that understands the importance of a home and a career to do so. I am not giving up though. Speech pathology is my major, I intend to finish out school, I intend to pay back my loans ASAP, I intend to give myself a few more years of wisdom, and then I intend to live out MY dream and get everything out this life that I want. It won't be easy, but hey it aint easy now and I'm sure as hell not going to look back thirty years down the road and say, I did all that for what?
END RANT.... I hope if anyone comes across this and takes the time to read my scattered thoughts, that if anything they take a moment to think about what they really truly want. Erase all the bad, know that things can always be worse, and that if you set you mind to it than you can truly make your world everything you ever wanted it to be. Don't settle, Stay True<3
I'm a 21 year old, Junior in college, putting myself through school, working two jobs, and trying to keep a hold on all the things I do so hope to accomplish in my time on this fickle place we all call home. LOANS. Lets not talk about loans. They're there, and they are super helpful, I can honestly say that without student loans I wouldn't be able to pass school. For me although I could probably scrape by with my own wages, they are a form of security for me, they allow me to pay that doctor bill I've had for the past 3 years on time, that I can have WiFi in my home so that after working 13 hours I can go home to study and not to an internet café or the library. Frankly they allow me to live comfortably, as I'm sure is the case with many people that I know are going through similar scenarios as myself. But don't for a second think that the voice in the back of my head isn't screaming; these need to be paid back and PRONTO!
On to living. I live in a pretty decent sized apartment complex. $1250 a month for a two bedroom, one bathroom, no utilities included, in the Village. Not bad. Previous apartments. $1200, 6 bedroom, heat and hot water included. The one before that, $1225, 4 bedroom, water included. Granted I'm in a more renovated apartment, in an awesome location, but HOLY SHIT. Granted this is my choice, I couldn't live in a dorm room, I like feeling safe in my home, I like being able to have my own space. I understand livin aint easy, but in the present months after much mulling over my living expences, I came across a handful of podcasts and found that there are slews of middle aged adults who are in the very same situation that I am in! I'm 21, they're grown adults, over college, half way through their careers, packing up and moving because they can't afford to live in their homes. Once again I come back to the fact that I really am blessed to be able to take care of myself the way that I do, but there's that voice in my head again saying, aren't I going to school so that I don't have to worry about living at some point? Hmmph, I'm starting to think the change does not come....
We are a society that builds and builds debt insurmountably, and in the process of doing so we turn a blind eye and tell ourselves that things will change in a few years and that it will all just wash away. In the process of scrubbing away at our debt we are only spreading it. So what do we do? Go with the motions? Today I was mowing my employer's lawn, and couldn't help but wonder how many other young adults my age were doing that at 1030 in the morning on a Thursday? Last year I wouldn't have been. I more than likely would've been hungover, in bed, begging someone to bring me a cup of coffee. Granted if I wasn't in that state I would've been sleeping, after working until 4 in the morning the night before. Pick your poison I guess. With age comes more responsibility, with the want for more comes the need for cash, and with that comes more responsibility.
The thing that really gets me is that I didn't want to go to school. I just understand that you have to. I want to write, I want to travel and take pictures, and sit in circles with strangers and laugh and cry. I want to teach English in another country and give a child a hot meal that maybe has never had one before. I want to soak up every great little spectacle that this Earth has to offer. But our society makes it awful hard for a 21 year old girl, that understands the importance of a home and a career to do so. I am not giving up though. Speech pathology is my major, I intend to finish out school, I intend to pay back my loans ASAP, I intend to give myself a few more years of wisdom, and then I intend to live out MY dream and get everything out this life that I want. It won't be easy, but hey it aint easy now and I'm sure as hell not going to look back thirty years down the road and say, I did all that for what?
END RANT.... I hope if anyone comes across this and takes the time to read my scattered thoughts, that if anything they take a moment to think about what they really truly want. Erase all the bad, know that things can always be worse, and that if you set you mind to it than you can truly make your world everything you ever wanted it to be. Don't settle, Stay True<3
Thursday, June 19, 2014
untitled
Some days I am overcome with visions of my past. Like layers of paint on an old house I have gone over and over the cracks in my life to protect and hide my weakness's. Don't we all? Soon we all tire of touching up our imperfections, and as the paints starts to crack rather than go over it one more time, we let it fade and peel away. Silently and slowly we start exposing all that is wrong with us. How beautiful it is to stumble upon these imperfect objects, to have the light shine on them for what they really are, ugly shelters, holding so much more than anyone could have ever imagined.
Just a thought
A white wine, brandy based, sangria. Fresh mozzarella, pesto, and tomato. June, mid afternoon in New Paltz. Listening to women banter about the shameful men in their lives and a group of friends discussing the pros and cons of robotics. There's a seventeen year old boy dying for my company. To walk along the rail trail and probably make an unpracticed move. I yearn to find Dylan's old stomping grounds and not have to worry about work tomorrow, school in the fall, or the bills that have too suddenly become a major part of my thoughts. Today I am just enjoying the sun, and the breeze, this cute dress I put on, and the empty house that awaits me when I finally return home.
Women talking to strangers about therapists, shady men, and the lonely single life. Wasting all their money on pricey booze for cheap conversation. That women you just sloppily gave your number too, who you chose to confide in like she has been your friend for years, she is never going to call you. She doesn't care, she as well was merely looking for a temporary break from her own sad shortcomings in life, that aided with help from the drink only seem that much larger. When you leave she will make eyes at you with the bartender and for a moment feel like maybe she isn't as lost as you. Don't worry, she is.
A young girl, still daunting unshaved legs, that only show her innocence and naivety waits for her family to stop reminiscing and aimlessly walks around the wine shop. I used to be that girl, I used to be that bored. Funny thing is it doesn't get much better when you get older. Sometimes it's even worse because now people actually expect you to listen to them, god forbid even contribute to their meaningless conversations that they really have no grounds to even be talking about in the first place. Regardless, they're drunk on words and she's sober. She just wants to go home and play with her dog, to check her Facebook likes, and make plans to defy her parents in the near future.
Three generations of women sit in a room and I am in the middle. I have been where that young girl has been and I am petrified of being where that woman is now. Here I sit looking over them both, reflecting on my own doings and I realize that they very well could be doing the same to me.
As the river ebbs and flows here I ponder what brought me here. Everything is so easy. Crossing and intertwining with one another; you'd never know if something weren't mean to be. Life moves so fast and thoughts soon become decisions, and then plans, and soon you're looking at nothing but an empty sky and wondering about whether or not you made the right decision. I'd like to think I have, yeah I'd like to think I have.
Women talking to strangers about therapists, shady men, and the lonely single life. Wasting all their money on pricey booze for cheap conversation. That women you just sloppily gave your number too, who you chose to confide in like she has been your friend for years, she is never going to call you. She doesn't care, she as well was merely looking for a temporary break from her own sad shortcomings in life, that aided with help from the drink only seem that much larger. When you leave she will make eyes at you with the bartender and for a moment feel like maybe she isn't as lost as you. Don't worry, she is.
A young girl, still daunting unshaved legs, that only show her innocence and naivety waits for her family to stop reminiscing and aimlessly walks around the wine shop. I used to be that girl, I used to be that bored. Funny thing is it doesn't get much better when you get older. Sometimes it's even worse because now people actually expect you to listen to them, god forbid even contribute to their meaningless conversations that they really have no grounds to even be talking about in the first place. Regardless, they're drunk on words and she's sober. She just wants to go home and play with her dog, to check her Facebook likes, and make plans to defy her parents in the near future.
Three generations of women sit in a room and I am in the middle. I have been where that young girl has been and I am petrified of being where that woman is now. Here I sit looking over them both, reflecting on my own doings and I realize that they very well could be doing the same to me.
As the river ebbs and flows here I ponder what brought me here. Everything is so easy. Crossing and intertwining with one another; you'd never know if something weren't mean to be. Life moves so fast and thoughts soon become decisions, and then plans, and soon you're looking at nothing but an empty sky and wondering about whether or not you made the right decision. I'd like to think I have, yeah I'd like to think I have.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Father's Day
This day along with Mother's Day is always a reflective kind of day for me. Though I am beyond thankful that I was able to call my dad today and wish him a Happy Father's Day (I also called my mom and wished her a happy day as well) I can't help but form a list of all the good times and bad that I have shared with both of my parents. Though I won't bore anyone that may stumble upon this with the list; for me these days have become more of recognizing parents in the simplest form possible, human...and thanking them for taking on the responsibility of caring for (to the best of their capabilities) the life of another. Life doesn't just stop when you become a parent. All of the trivialities and responsibilities that you had prior are still there if not heightened by bringing another life into the world. There were times I wondered why the hell my parents thought they should have children but there were also times that I know brought all of us so much joy and love. As I've grown I've started to think of my parents less as people that are "responsible for me" and more as two people that gave me life. We are all learning and constantly growing together, through all of the good and the bad. I know that they are beyond proud of me simply by the tone in their voices when they tell me they love me. They have never believed that I would fail even when I though they did. And though I've seen them at their worse; and they at mine, I know that even when I thought they were against me they simply saw a mirror image of their lives flashing before them and didn't want the same outcome. Though when I share with them my stories of nights I believe I will always remember I know they laugh at the remembrance of their own younger years and are thankful to have given me my free spirit and good nature. One thing my parents have constantly told me both separately and together that their greatest gift between one another was creating both my brother and I. Though my parents are seldom together anymore I can see the look in their eyes when they speak of one another that there was so much love between them. For that I thank them and will forever hold that in my heart, both for the good and the bad. With that being said I urge everyone to do the same not only on Father's Day or Mother's Day but everyday. Because no matter where you stand with your parents today, there was once a time and more than likely will be again that they will look back and think of you as their greatest creation. Thank them for it, because no matter how you want to put it, without them there would not be a you.
6/13
Turning in cadence like the arms on a clock tower. I never would've guessed that time would just stop. Hours and minutes overlap and soon all time is lost. Where is the clock smith to fix these broken arms? To rewind and restart the time that once seemed so infinite.
Sailor Jerry
He grabbed my hand and told me without saying anything that he'd never met someone so together yet so broken. So strange to love a stranger, yet he showed me all he understood by how many times he kissed me. It was enough to remind a lost girl that she really is enough. He left when the sun came up and I said it was nice to meet you. He said; "The pleasure was all mine darlin". Cheap whiskey and the company of a stranger. That's all I needed to momentarily forget about you.
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