Dream of You No More

I'll go to sleep with dreams of you, because it's the only thing that I can do.
I swear no one else touches you, and that's why I'm alone....

Though as time has and will continue to move forward, you haunt me less at night.
At times I wake up aching just to see your face, to be touched by your light.
Truth be told I realize now you were always a dream, even in my waking life.
I made you into something that I wanted you to be, maybe it wasn't even meant to be you, but you were there, you were comfortable, it happened...

Now I feel almost silly having wasted so much time, making you my knight in shining armor, the love of my life. It was always a dream, a dream that I made seep into my reality, though it only penetrated the surface. Telling myself over and over again that one day it would just click and everything would come true. Maybe someday it will, I think I have permanently implanted a strain of hope somewhere deep inside me, though it has thankfully become less deep.

Lastly, I'm sorry for making you something your not. I know you know how I feel. & I know there is nothing you can do. It's not your fault, but mine. I'm a stubborn, stubborn woman who will always have a yearning for that which I can not have. I'm getting better, it will be better. I love you, always and forever.

Goodnight.

Please & Thanks

For anyone who takes the time to read any of my work. I'd love criticism, comment, anything. I'm basically an idiot when it comes to blogging but I'm slowly getting the hang of it more and more. Regardless I'd love any sort of feedback that could be given!

Much Love!

~kt~ Everything I Do Will Be True

Killing Me Softly

I watched the sun rise over the Rice Building and questioned the virtue of life.
What brought me here, to this beat up and laden side of town. Smoking a cigarette and listening to the drone of life as it slowly slips into another day. I can't help but be consumed by the unknown. We are nothing  but mere trinkets in the game of life. Moving viciously in circles, trying to find our way out of the melodrama that has become each and every one of our lives. Most will forever be spinning round and round swearing that they're making it closer everyday. Closer to what they don't know but it's closer all the same. Personally I don't believe there is a way out. We are in an impenetrable field of hopes and dreams, we are consumed and reminded everyday of the things we can't have but want ever so desperately.

I believe there comes a point in everyone’s life where they stop whatever mundane or insignificant task they are in the midst of and wonder, what brought me here? For me that has been happening a lot lately. I’m constantly asking myself, “How did I get here”? “What brought me to this very point”? and “How do I change this”. Time changes us much like the seasons. I find myself becoming more and more enveloped in my own thoughts and issues rather than fiddling with the banter that is most people’s lives. At twenty years old I can honestly say I am doing well for myself, and by no means am I trying to discredit where my life has brought me, however I see myself treading on ice and where once I may have been keen to ignore the warnings that are put in front of me, this time I am not. I find myself with no one to talk to, no one to convey my thoughts to. Why that is I don’t know but there must be a reason and because of that reason I will acknowledge and reason with what lies in front of me.

 

I don’t believe in anyone but myself.

When Your Broken Down & Empty

When the time comes for you to see, all that I have yet to be. I hope you choke on all you said, filled with hatred that had no end. Like parchment on paper, you sealed the deal that day. All the words you say; they will never go away. Time will pass, like the running stream and soon will freeze and lose its gleam. But where will we stand when that day comes, side by side or down under and above?

Leave it Blank

A string of words tied together to form sentences

Sound pretty great on paper, but do they really mean anything?

Words are words and as far as I can see, your words on paper mean shit to me.

For years I thought that a man’s word was gold, but now I see the only words a person should keep are their own.

I’d rather receive a white blank page, with no words to complicate the message being conveyed.

Leaving no room for let ups or let downs, only the positivity of the unknown to lead us around.

Because honestly sometimes all a person needs. Is to know that they're really all that they need.

A cup of coffee with a side of reminiscing.

Mornings like these is when I remember home.
The smell of coffee and the distant drone of the coffee pot waking up with the rest of the house.
I hear the rain hitting the top of the roof, and I remember how you always said you loved that noise.
I'm far older than I should be, and that's also something you used to say. It was more in the form of an apology but at the time I thought it was just a phase. But oh how I wish I could come running home to you now. To hear you opening the back door and for me to come running down the stairs.
For mom, oh that beautiful woman to be singing in the kitchen and making so much noise, kinda like I do now. Oh its crazy how much I'm like that woman now, I used to resent it but now at times I almost revel in it. Its like I'm the only thing that reminds myself of home, because neither of you are really there and I find that oh so wrong.I don't blame you anymore though, don't worry about that. I used to, but the time for holding grudges is long gone and its easier to just remember how much I know you truly loved me at one time.

Remember having dinner at the kitchen table? I do to a T.
All four of us with our own spots, and I don't think we ever changed. You were always at the head of the table with mom on your right and I next to her and your son next to you. Those meals were always so good. I cook now, I don't know if I can hold a candle to mom's cooking but I cook now...

Remember when we'd take trips out to the city. A dinner at Lombardo's a movie after that? Those were such fond memories I have seemingly forgotten after all this time...

 But on mornings like these they come crawling back to me and I find myself there once again. I'm not complaining, I have a great life. But sometimes you know all too well it gets hard. You would know, because its exactly why I'm here and your there and we all have fallen apart and are torn.
Oh the burden we carry is so vast and so deep, No surmount of time can make it feel new. Each one of us a different story, each one with a different point of view. And although I obviously can relate the most to myself I can't help but think of your poor boy. Growing up without you was hell for me but for him, he lost all of his joy. The shell we've enveloped ourselves in is miles thick, and impenetrable to the core. No one can come in, many have tried and to our dismay we still prevail. But it'd be nice if one day, this could all wash away and we could be human once more.