Monday, June 1, 2015
LaLa Land
The lake was guarded by mountains taller than any giant you've fantasized of in your dreams; as I know you often do. Not the malicious kind, these were gentle, sheltering everything the light touched from the outside world. Walking around the lake; falling in and out of its beguiling trance, I was overcome with sadness. I was alone, like I often am these days, caught in a staring contest with the setting sun. My fingers aimlessly trailing through bushes of lavender, imagining them as your fingertips searching for mine. They did not hold on. As the sun set below the mountains of Lake Como, so did your ghost. With the last rays of light reflecting off the water like dozing eyelids fighting to hold on to the last moments of waking life, I longed to share this view with you.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
lying on the shower floor
the days hate pooling around you like needy children vying for attention
sobs hidden through cascading showers of your own self inflicted sins
the steam rises above you taking with it all the burdens that you hold
this is not the end
as your shoulders drop in humble gratitude you breathe out for the first time all day
all the words you left hanging on the tip of your tongue evaporate into thin air
the good goes out with the bad
you are then left with nothing, an empty corpse with nothing but skin and bones keeping you together
naked eyelids uncover virgin eyes to a cold damp world
do you ever know the caliber of ones cage?
the days hate pooling around you like needy children vying for attention
sobs hidden through cascading showers of your own self inflicted sins
the steam rises above you taking with it all the burdens that you hold
this is not the end
as your shoulders drop in humble gratitude you breathe out for the first time all day
all the words you left hanging on the tip of your tongue evaporate into thin air
the good goes out with the bad
you are then left with nothing, an empty corpse with nothing but skin and bones keeping you together
naked eyelids uncover virgin eyes to a cold damp world
do you ever know the caliber of ones cage?
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
these days all I have are ideas
but what is an idea without execution
it is hope that is lost, and the biggest lie you can tell youself
I cannot remember how many times I've thought of the line to a new poem
How many times I reworked it in my mind until it was just right
& then just let it go
We are constantly putting things on the back burner, saving them for later
But who knows when later wont come and all you'll be left with is a bunch of empty ideas
that were dying to be shared, dying to be written down, dying from the moment you thought of them
but what is an idea without execution
it is hope that is lost, and the biggest lie you can tell youself
I cannot remember how many times I've thought of the line to a new poem
How many times I reworked it in my mind until it was just right
& then just let it go
We are constantly putting things on the back burner, saving them for later
But who knows when later wont come and all you'll be left with is a bunch of empty ideas
that were dying to be shared, dying to be written down, dying from the moment you thought of them
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
brautigan induced
There's a couple on East and 24th having what they hope to be their last first kiss. And I'm on my way to Brooklyn watching the street signs blur by.
Part III
Slowly I allow you to undress me, our bodies gliding in a synchronistic cadence that only years of practice can attest to. No amount of time or lapse of in between can compare to the feeling of you on top of me. Climax leads to confusion as I drift into the abyss of me and you. This is all a façade. So I will put old feelings aside and go on living this life of mine. For even though I am daily haunted with memories that fall over me like a blanket of gossamers in a desolate field and am constantly set forth in a whirl wind of desire by allowing them to osculate through my heart just one more time; it only brings me back to the state of conjuncture that you left me in, where it all fell apart. Like shards of zircon, stunning and seemingly real to the untrained eye, you envelope my entire being; consuming me for all that I am worth. It will take many a sleepless night to get you out of my mind.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Fighting the Fuedal System, Or Just Going With the Motions?
I have always had a job, from the ripe young age of 15; and although my job experiences have thankfully gotten better with age, I can't help but think that the Feudal System never really died. Day in and day out I get up and go to work, and for what gain? To still find myself struggling to make ends meet at the end of every month and seemingly watch my youth forever slip through my fingertips. Me and the rest of America right? I understand I'm definitely not the only one, and that there are so many people that are far worse off than myself; but sometimes I can't help but question our society and why it works the way it does. ~~::;;"" yea yea yea I know I sound like a broken record but hear me out, if you do so choose.
I'm a 21 year old, Junior in college, putting myself through school, working two jobs, and trying to keep a hold on all the things I do so hope to accomplish in my time on this fickle place we all call home. LOANS. Lets not talk about loans. They're there, and they are super helpful, I can honestly say that without student loans I wouldn't be able to pass school. For me although I could probably scrape by with my own wages, they are a form of security for me, they allow me to pay that doctor bill I've had for the past 3 years on time, that I can have WiFi in my home so that after working 13 hours I can go home to study and not to an internet café or the library. Frankly they allow me to live comfortably, as I'm sure is the case with many people that I know are going through similar scenarios as myself. But don't for a second think that the voice in the back of my head isn't screaming; these need to be paid back and PRONTO!
On to living. I live in a pretty decent sized apartment complex. $1250 a month for a two bedroom, one bathroom, no utilities included, in the Village. Not bad. Previous apartments. $1200, 6 bedroom, heat and hot water included. The one before that, $1225, 4 bedroom, water included. Granted I'm in a more renovated apartment, in an awesome location, but HOLY SHIT. Granted this is my choice, I couldn't live in a dorm room, I like feeling safe in my home, I like being able to have my own space. I understand livin aint easy, but in the present months after much mulling over my living expences, I came across a handful of podcasts and found that there are slews of middle aged adults who are in the very same situation that I am in! I'm 21, they're grown adults, over college, half way through their careers, packing up and moving because they can't afford to live in their homes. Once again I come back to the fact that I really am blessed to be able to take care of myself the way that I do, but there's that voice in my head again saying, aren't I going to school so that I don't have to worry about living at some point? Hmmph, I'm starting to think the change does not come....
We are a society that builds and builds debt insurmountably, and in the process of doing so we turn a blind eye and tell ourselves that things will change in a few years and that it will all just wash away. In the process of scrubbing away at our debt we are only spreading it. So what do we do? Go with the motions? Today I was mowing my employer's lawn, and couldn't help but wonder how many other young adults my age were doing that at 1030 in the morning on a Thursday? Last year I wouldn't have been. I more than likely would've been hungover, in bed, begging someone to bring me a cup of coffee. Granted if I wasn't in that state I would've been sleeping, after working until 4 in the morning the night before. Pick your poison I guess. With age comes more responsibility, with the want for more comes the need for cash, and with that comes more responsibility.
The thing that really gets me is that I didn't want to go to school. I just understand that you have to. I want to write, I want to travel and take pictures, and sit in circles with strangers and laugh and cry. I want to teach English in another country and give a child a hot meal that maybe has never had one before. I want to soak up every great little spectacle that this Earth has to offer. But our society makes it awful hard for a 21 year old girl, that understands the importance of a home and a career to do so. I am not giving up though. Speech pathology is my major, I intend to finish out school, I intend to pay back my loans ASAP, I intend to give myself a few more years of wisdom, and then I intend to live out MY dream and get everything out this life that I want. It won't be easy, but hey it aint easy now and I'm sure as hell not going to look back thirty years down the road and say, I did all that for what?
END RANT.... I hope if anyone comes across this and takes the time to read my scattered thoughts, that if anything they take a moment to think about what they really truly want. Erase all the bad, know that things can always be worse, and that if you set you mind to it than you can truly make your world everything you ever wanted it to be. Don't settle, Stay True<3
I'm a 21 year old, Junior in college, putting myself through school, working two jobs, and trying to keep a hold on all the things I do so hope to accomplish in my time on this fickle place we all call home. LOANS. Lets not talk about loans. They're there, and they are super helpful, I can honestly say that without student loans I wouldn't be able to pass school. For me although I could probably scrape by with my own wages, they are a form of security for me, they allow me to pay that doctor bill I've had for the past 3 years on time, that I can have WiFi in my home so that after working 13 hours I can go home to study and not to an internet café or the library. Frankly they allow me to live comfortably, as I'm sure is the case with many people that I know are going through similar scenarios as myself. But don't for a second think that the voice in the back of my head isn't screaming; these need to be paid back and PRONTO!
On to living. I live in a pretty decent sized apartment complex. $1250 a month for a two bedroom, one bathroom, no utilities included, in the Village. Not bad. Previous apartments. $1200, 6 bedroom, heat and hot water included. The one before that, $1225, 4 bedroom, water included. Granted I'm in a more renovated apartment, in an awesome location, but HOLY SHIT. Granted this is my choice, I couldn't live in a dorm room, I like feeling safe in my home, I like being able to have my own space. I understand livin aint easy, but in the present months after much mulling over my living expences, I came across a handful of podcasts and found that there are slews of middle aged adults who are in the very same situation that I am in! I'm 21, they're grown adults, over college, half way through their careers, packing up and moving because they can't afford to live in their homes. Once again I come back to the fact that I really am blessed to be able to take care of myself the way that I do, but there's that voice in my head again saying, aren't I going to school so that I don't have to worry about living at some point? Hmmph, I'm starting to think the change does not come....
We are a society that builds and builds debt insurmountably, and in the process of doing so we turn a blind eye and tell ourselves that things will change in a few years and that it will all just wash away. In the process of scrubbing away at our debt we are only spreading it. So what do we do? Go with the motions? Today I was mowing my employer's lawn, and couldn't help but wonder how many other young adults my age were doing that at 1030 in the morning on a Thursday? Last year I wouldn't have been. I more than likely would've been hungover, in bed, begging someone to bring me a cup of coffee. Granted if I wasn't in that state I would've been sleeping, after working until 4 in the morning the night before. Pick your poison I guess. With age comes more responsibility, with the want for more comes the need for cash, and with that comes more responsibility.
The thing that really gets me is that I didn't want to go to school. I just understand that you have to. I want to write, I want to travel and take pictures, and sit in circles with strangers and laugh and cry. I want to teach English in another country and give a child a hot meal that maybe has never had one before. I want to soak up every great little spectacle that this Earth has to offer. But our society makes it awful hard for a 21 year old girl, that understands the importance of a home and a career to do so. I am not giving up though. Speech pathology is my major, I intend to finish out school, I intend to pay back my loans ASAP, I intend to give myself a few more years of wisdom, and then I intend to live out MY dream and get everything out this life that I want. It won't be easy, but hey it aint easy now and I'm sure as hell not going to look back thirty years down the road and say, I did all that for what?
END RANT.... I hope if anyone comes across this and takes the time to read my scattered thoughts, that if anything they take a moment to think about what they really truly want. Erase all the bad, know that things can always be worse, and that if you set you mind to it than you can truly make your world everything you ever wanted it to be. Don't settle, Stay True<3
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