Mornings like these is when I remember home.
The smell of coffee and the distant drone of the coffee pot waking up with the rest of the house.
I hear the rain hitting the top of the roof, and I remember how you always said you loved that noise.
I'm far older than I should be, and that's also something you used to say. It was more in the form of an apology but at the time I thought it was just a phase. But oh how I wish I could come running home to you now. To hear you opening the back door and for me to come running down the stairs.
For mom, oh that beautiful woman to be singing in the kitchen and making so much noise, kinda like I do now. Oh its crazy how much I'm like that woman now, I used to resent it but now at times I almost revel in it. Its like I'm the only thing that reminds myself of home, because neither of you are really there and I find that oh so wrong.I don't blame you anymore though, don't worry about that. I used to, but the time for holding grudges is long gone and its easier to just remember how much I know you truly loved me at one time.
Remember having dinner at the kitchen table? I do to a T.
All four of us with our own spots, and I don't think we ever changed. You were always at the head of the table with mom on your right and I next to her and your son next to you. Those meals were always so good. I cook now, I don't know if I can hold a candle to mom's cooking but I cook now...
Remember when we'd take trips out to the city. A dinner at Lombardo's a movie after that? Those were such fond memories I have seemingly forgotten after all this time...
But on mornings like these they come crawling back to me and I find myself there once again. I'm not complaining, I have a great life. But sometimes you know all too well it gets hard. You would know, because its exactly why I'm here and your there and we all have fallen apart and are torn.
Oh the burden we carry is so vast and so deep, No surmount of time can make it feel new. Each one of us a different story, each one with a different point of view. And although I obviously can relate the most to myself I can't help but think of your poor boy. Growing up without you was hell for me but for him, he lost all of his joy. The shell we've enveloped ourselves in is miles thick, and impenetrable to the core. No one can come in, many have tried and to our dismay we still prevail. But it'd be nice if one day, this could all wash away and we could be human once more.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Why do you harbor so much pain.
Such a fragile soul that talks such a big game.
I know who you are and I love the real you.
Don't do this to yourself darling, all this can only come back to haunt you.
In a world full of choices you can go wherever you choose.
I know you can do it and you do too.
So put down your shield and start anew.
There's so much love that wants to be given to you.
I just hope you see it soon, because to be honest this just isn't you.
Such a fragile soul that talks such a big game.
I know who you are and I love the real you.
Don't do this to yourself darling, all this can only come back to haunt you.
In a world full of choices you can go wherever you choose.
I know you can do it and you do too.
So put down your shield and start anew.
There's so much love that wants to be given to you.
I just hope you see it soon, because to be honest this just isn't you.
Happiness is a Warm Gun
Play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is you cant read between my lines.
My shades are drawn, your a master of your art,its all out on the table with you from the start.
All the pain, and hurt, and shame. Please don't even speak my name.
Maybe I deserve everything I get, I just haven't figured out why yet.
So play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is you cant read between my lines.
So many nights of unspoken truths, coated with alcohol and spiked with proof.
How much longer can this possibly last, constantly digging up each others past.
We share a weakness you and I, we both want to be loved, but swear its a lie.
So go on play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is you can't read between my lines.
This is the final hand I swear its true, after this I'll be completely done with you.
I'll move on to something real, something that I can really feel.
I'm all in and so are you. The verdict is here, I let my shades fall. You call my bluff and get it all.
So play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is, you know you'll always be able to read between my lines.
The only difference is you cant read between my lines.
My shades are drawn, your a master of your art,its all out on the table with you from the start.
All the pain, and hurt, and shame. Please don't even speak my name.
Maybe I deserve everything I get, I just haven't figured out why yet.
So play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is you cant read between my lines.
So many nights of unspoken truths, coated with alcohol and spiked with proof.
How much longer can this possibly last, constantly digging up each others past.
We share a weakness you and I, we both want to be loved, but swear its a lie.
So go on play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is you can't read between my lines.
This is the final hand I swear its true, after this I'll be completely done with you.
I'll move on to something real, something that I can really feel.
I'm all in and so are you. The verdict is here, I let my shades fall. You call my bluff and get it all.
So play your game & I'll play mine.
The only difference is, you know you'll always be able to read between my lines.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Realism
It's crazy how we can perceive people as being one way when in all actuality they are something entirely different. When did it become necessary to hide your inner self and come across as something entirely different than what you really stand for. Recently I've met a slew of new people, although I have obviously connected more with some over others; overall I had formed a general consensus that all of these people were in good character. After tonight however I feel as though I was put under a great false pretense. Lying, stealing, backstabbing, and outlandish lies; all that I would have never imagined to be real. As crazy as it seems to me I really don't know why I am finding it to be such an unbelievable thing. If you really think about it, what constitutes as a reputable amount of time to say that you really know a person. I can tell you one thing, a matter of months is definitely not it. I have a very selective group of friends and family that I consider to be truer than true to me. Although I consider myself an extremely outgoing person that loves to meet new people, after this tid bit of a wake up call I can honestly say that staying in my "inner circle" so to speak really does not seem the least bit unappealing to me. It takes people years to be able to find out the ins and outs of the people that they are close with, I mean hell we are constantly learning new things about ourselves all the time; how could someone else possibly say that they know us in our entirety. I just don't know; instead of rambling on and on about this I guess what I'm really trying to say is. Keep your friends close, the ones that really matter and the ones that you know will never leave you. Love them, cherish them, never leave their sides no matter what problems or changes may arise in any of your lives. To be able to say that I have a group of friends that I have kept for the last four years and have grown with, shared so many memories both good and bad with and that I we are still all together today happier and stronger than ever; that is something I never want to let go of and I don't think I will.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wake Me Up
It's just about three am and as usual I can't sleep. In the last two weeks alone my life has taken such unexpected turns. Although at times I was questioning if it was all for the best, I believe that I can honestly now say that it has been. I have learned so much about myself in the last few days alone its unbelievable. I feel like I forgot how to feel quite a long time ago, and whether this is a good thing or not I believe that I have regained that emotion. Its almost scary sometimes how real things can be; emotions play such a huge part in our lives and when they are shut off for such a long time to suddenly have them again is a bit overwhelming. However, with all that said even though sometimes our emotions don't always play a positive role its nice to know that they're there and its real and true, no matter what the bigger picture is. All in all I'm proud to say that I once again can feel, whether this is a temporary thing or not right now its truer than true and I know that more than likely I will get hurt in the end and wind up back in the same position that I'm normally in, but until then I'm going to revel in this moment because this moment is my life.
Goodnight<3
Goodnight<3
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Keep Calm & Carry On
Today the quote "Keep Calm and Carry On" has turned in to a world renown quote meant to ease people of their qualms in life and help them move forward with a brighter outlook. The origin of the quote came after World War II; after Europe was left in shambles due to most of the war being fought on their ground. Five simple words that were able to bring a country together and rebuild all that they had ever had. Now although the term is generally used in a lot lighter terms today, and sometimes in different forms/meanings I believe the message that it portrays and the power that that message can have is the same.
There have been so many times in my life where I have been in a situation where instead of practicing the infamous "Keep Calm and Carry On" method I've blown up, spoken my peace, and in the end defused the problem (might I had not permanently) and then carried on. However one recurring situation after another and one starts to wonder, "Is this really working"? Well the fact of the matter is that it doesn't and in the end why are you, hell why is anyone going to waste their life harboring such insignificant problems that in the end have really no permanent or vital impact on them. My dad has always told me about one of his friends and how since he has known this man he has always been the best at keeping calm in any type of altercation. When I asked what the secret to the madness was my dad said all of two words..."He listens". Now I had the pleasure of being under the same roof as this man for a period of six months and let me tell you, he is a master of his trade. Not a man of many words at all but when the time comes for him to step in and speak his peace, what comes out is filled with knowledge, a perfect argument, and your left truly contemplating your side of the issue. Now its human nature to disagree, no one is always going to have the same view as you, but I think a lot of times instead of having a healthy conversation people tend to attack, belittle their opposing partner. Well after many failed arguments and the reminder of how significant it can be to just sit back and listen, I believe my time has come to change methods.
Although I am standing true to all that I have said in the past, I am no longer finding it necessary to repeatedly argue the same statement over and over again like a child. I consider myself to be quite mature for my age; and instead of degrading myself in a sense by being drawn in to such an immature and useless conversation Im going to rid myself completely of the issue. In doing so I will be following the first half of the statement ("Keep Calm") but is it just as easy to "Carry On"?
Although I can't speak for everyone on this next statement I do know how most feel but when it comes to me the truth is that I hate altercation; especially when it is with someone that I consider, or used to consider in some instances extremely close to me. Arguments are silly to me, and life is too short, and too easy to enjoy to spend arguing with the people that you should be enjoying it with. If someone doesn't see eye to eye on that then I feel sorry for them and I hope one day they can be truly happy. But back to fulfilling the last bit of this. Its high time, for me anyway to "Carry On". Life is too short and I have far too much to do to spend it any longer trying to impress, or prove myself to anyone. If you can't look at me and then think back to me a year ago and see how far I have come then you are blind and that is sad. (Sorry to get one sided on this for whomever may be reading) Anyway to wrap things up its time to let go of all that once was and start seeing what is. Don't live for anyone but you. If that means that some people are going to fall away from you in the process so be it because if they truly cared about you and truly wanted to be a part of your life then they would accept you.
So with that said Im not going to go through summing this entire thing up instead I will close with one more line. When all else fails do as the Europeans did and "Keep Calm and Carry On".
There have been so many times in my life where I have been in a situation where instead of practicing the infamous "Keep Calm and Carry On" method I've blown up, spoken my peace, and in the end defused the problem (might I had not permanently) and then carried on. However one recurring situation after another and one starts to wonder, "Is this really working"? Well the fact of the matter is that it doesn't and in the end why are you, hell why is anyone going to waste their life harboring such insignificant problems that in the end have really no permanent or vital impact on them. My dad has always told me about one of his friends and how since he has known this man he has always been the best at keeping calm in any type of altercation. When I asked what the secret to the madness was my dad said all of two words..."He listens". Now I had the pleasure of being under the same roof as this man for a period of six months and let me tell you, he is a master of his trade. Not a man of many words at all but when the time comes for him to step in and speak his peace, what comes out is filled with knowledge, a perfect argument, and your left truly contemplating your side of the issue. Now its human nature to disagree, no one is always going to have the same view as you, but I think a lot of times instead of having a healthy conversation people tend to attack, belittle their opposing partner. Well after many failed arguments and the reminder of how significant it can be to just sit back and listen, I believe my time has come to change methods.
Although I am standing true to all that I have said in the past, I am no longer finding it necessary to repeatedly argue the same statement over and over again like a child. I consider myself to be quite mature for my age; and instead of degrading myself in a sense by being drawn in to such an immature and useless conversation Im going to rid myself completely of the issue. In doing so I will be following the first half of the statement ("Keep Calm") but is it just as easy to "Carry On"?
Although I can't speak for everyone on this next statement I do know how most feel but when it comes to me the truth is that I hate altercation; especially when it is with someone that I consider, or used to consider in some instances extremely close to me. Arguments are silly to me, and life is too short, and too easy to enjoy to spend arguing with the people that you should be enjoying it with. If someone doesn't see eye to eye on that then I feel sorry for them and I hope one day they can be truly happy. But back to fulfilling the last bit of this. Its high time, for me anyway to "Carry On". Life is too short and I have far too much to do to spend it any longer trying to impress, or prove myself to anyone. If you can't look at me and then think back to me a year ago and see how far I have come then you are blind and that is sad. (Sorry to get one sided on this for whomever may be reading) Anyway to wrap things up its time to let go of all that once was and start seeing what is. Don't live for anyone but you. If that means that some people are going to fall away from you in the process so be it because if they truly cared about you and truly wanted to be a part of your life then they would accept you.
So with that said Im not going to go through summing this entire thing up instead I will close with one more line. When all else fails do as the Europeans did and "Keep Calm and Carry On".
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Almost Everything
I want you to waste away with me.
To lie still and never move.
No words to complicate the mess that'll undoubtedly arrive soon.
Just hold my hand and be there, two statues we will be.
Our bodies linked in the smallest form, like no other living thing.
And when you leave, as I'm sure you will. It will all just waste away.
Into a memory light of love and sadness and wishing that you'd have stayed.
To lie still and never move.
No words to complicate the mess that'll undoubtedly arrive soon.
Just hold my hand and be there, two statues we will be.
Our bodies linked in the smallest form, like no other living thing.
And when you leave, as I'm sure you will. It will all just waste away.
Into a memory light of love and sadness and wishing that you'd have stayed.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Living.
Everyday is a new start, a new chance to get up, get out of bed, and do what you want to do. This morning I wrote for the first time in what feels like forever. I woke up and just instantly grabbed my notepad and what came out was great! I've always been interested in poetry and I've always envied those that do it and do it well. Although Im not claiming to be anyone that has the slightest inclination about anything when it comes to writing, i must say that I was quite proud of myself when I finally put my pen down this morning and went over what I had just done. Although I don't think Im ready to start sharing my work, I'm really hoping I have the balls to do it someday soon!
Everyday is a new start, a new chance to get up, get out of bed, and do what you want to do. This morning I wrote for the first time in what feels like forever. I woke up and just instantly grabbed my notepad and what came out was great! I've always been interested in poetry and I've always envied those that do it and do it well. Although Im not claiming to be anyone that has the slightest inclination about anything when it comes to writing, i must say that I was quite proud of myself when I finally put my pen down this morning and went over what I had just done. Although I don't think Im ready to start sharing my work, I'm really hoping I have the balls to do it someday soon!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Free Your Mind
How much do we as people actually value the beauty and significance of our own minds? As humans we have naturally grown accustomed to trying to blend in. Its easier to share the same beliefs and moral values with a group of people than it is to disagree and have your own opinion. Although that may be an easier route I have come to disagree that it is the right one. There is a reason why we are all constructed differently; granted there are like people with the same views but its important to keep true to yourself. I think fitting into your own skin is something that comes with age. There comes a point in everyone's life where you realize that being yourself really is the only option. Life is too short to spend trying to impress others. Being yourself is beautiful and there are plenty of people out there that will value your personality rather than not. & for those that don't agree, well that's their opinion isn't it?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
A quick note. Days like today really make me wonder where the sense of family always sticking together even in the face of trouble has gone. Im living with A family that technically isnt related to me at all but they act like more of a family figure than my own. The problem lies within generations,if your brought Up in a seemingly every man for themself home than that is going to follow you for the rest of your life. Only you can break the cycle and IM sure as hell ready To do that in my case. Family is all you have, treat it like its gold<3
Allow Me To Introduce Myself
So ALREADY I started writing this in the most text book form. My name is blah blah blah, I'm blah blah blah years old and like to blah blah blah. That's what is expected but in all actuality does it really matter? I for one think age is pointless. I don't think age should define a person because really what do you learn from someone by knowing their age. That's right, absolutely NOTHING. Whenever I meet someone new I like to play a game with them, its as old school as it comes but just a little more factual. Ten facts about yourself, about your interests, passions, beliefs. So what better way to let any soul that decides to read this disastrous little blog know about me than by doing just that! Here it goes....
1) I consider myself to be a very outgoing person. I've been known to get a bit carried away sometimes, but hey what's life without a but of embarrassing stories to tell as time goes by. In the same breath I also think I'm really shy and guarded. I really enjoy being by myself and I have absolutely no problem with calling it a night at 8pm on any given Friday night. Pretty much I'm a walking contradiction but what can I say.
2) I love fashion. If I could drop everything and become a stylist I would. There's the dreamer in me I've always loved to shop and take my friends shopping. I mean really what girl doesn't but for me its so much more. Clothes are works of art and we are their canvas. You can learn so much about a person just from looking at what they're wearing and I love it! Although I've had to cut back recently in my clothing addiction I still love finding things that I've had for a while and mixing them up with something new! I'll always love clothes and deep down inside I'll always aspire to be Rachel Zoe.
3) I have a great respect for people that work hard and do things on their own. The most revered people in the world truly had to bust their ass's to get where they wanted to be in life and I honestly believe that if you work hard enough and really put your mind to something you will always accomplish your dreams.
4) I want to leave an impact on the world. I mean really who doesn't but for me it means so much more. I think everyone has the capability to make their mark. Everyone is meant for something, we are all here for a reason and our life mission is to find out what that reason is. So many people spend their lives working towards the "big picture" that is having a job that leaves you well off, having a loving family to come home to every night, and hopefully have enough money when they reach their sixties to retire to FL. I'm sorry but although it is necessary to do all that in order to survive that is NOT what we are all here for. The world is huge and I have every intent on enjoying it for as long as I can!
5) I want to travel the world. I'd love nothing more than to live in Europe for a year. I want to see this crazy world and not through others, I want to see it for myself!
6) I'm a very independent person. I don't rely on anyone for anything, because that is just setting yourself up for disappointment. However this doesn't mean that I don't genuinely care about the people in my life because I do. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a very easy read, however don't be quick to judge because there is much more to me than meets the eye.
7) I thrive off the simple things. I love a good cup of coffee in the morning. A good hair day. A nice home made dinner. A good book. Candles. Being surrounded by friends and family. Laughter and even Tears. Silence is a beautiful thing. A day of doing absolutely nothing. And so so so much more.
8) Until recently I don't think I really understood what life was all about. Although I'm sure I still have a lot more to learn I strongly believe that Happiness is key. Without happiness what is life really worth living?
9) I love music. I honestly relate to so many songs and their lyrics. I think its a beautiful gift to be able to touch so many people with your words and I would love nothing more than to be able to give that gift to others.
10) Which brings me to my final fact. Why am I writing a Blog?! I would never in a million years think that I would be one to do such a thing. But then again I never would have expected myself to be where I am today either. Ultimately the main reason behind all of this is one so I can vent and two because I'm in the process of finding out what I want to do with my life. I recently met someone that inspired me to follow heart and made me feel for the first time that maybe my beliefs and values weren't as crazy as I thought they were. I've always enjoyed writing and have always prided myself in how I can make myself come across exactly the way I want to when I write. So why not! I can't promise greatness but I can promise one thing. Everything I do will be true.
1) I consider myself to be a very outgoing person. I've been known to get a bit carried away sometimes, but hey what's life without a but of embarrassing stories to tell as time goes by. In the same breath I also think I'm really shy and guarded. I really enjoy being by myself and I have absolutely no problem with calling it a night at 8pm on any given Friday night. Pretty much I'm a walking contradiction but what can I say.
2) I love fashion. If I could drop everything and become a stylist I would. There's the dreamer in me I've always loved to shop and take my friends shopping. I mean really what girl doesn't but for me its so much more. Clothes are works of art and we are their canvas. You can learn so much about a person just from looking at what they're wearing and I love it! Although I've had to cut back recently in my clothing addiction I still love finding things that I've had for a while and mixing them up with something new! I'll always love clothes and deep down inside I'll always aspire to be Rachel Zoe.
3) I have a great respect for people that work hard and do things on their own. The most revered people in the world truly had to bust their ass's to get where they wanted to be in life and I honestly believe that if you work hard enough and really put your mind to something you will always accomplish your dreams.
4) I want to leave an impact on the world. I mean really who doesn't but for me it means so much more. I think everyone has the capability to make their mark. Everyone is meant for something, we are all here for a reason and our life mission is to find out what that reason is. So many people spend their lives working towards the "big picture" that is having a job that leaves you well off, having a loving family to come home to every night, and hopefully have enough money when they reach their sixties to retire to FL. I'm sorry but although it is necessary to do all that in order to survive that is NOT what we are all here for. The world is huge and I have every intent on enjoying it for as long as I can!
5) I want to travel the world. I'd love nothing more than to live in Europe for a year. I want to see this crazy world and not through others, I want to see it for myself!
6) I'm a very independent person. I don't rely on anyone for anything, because that is just setting yourself up for disappointment. However this doesn't mean that I don't genuinely care about the people in my life because I do. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a very easy read, however don't be quick to judge because there is much more to me than meets the eye.
7) I thrive off the simple things. I love a good cup of coffee in the morning. A good hair day. A nice home made dinner. A good book. Candles. Being surrounded by friends and family. Laughter and even Tears. Silence is a beautiful thing. A day of doing absolutely nothing. And so so so much more.
8) Until recently I don't think I really understood what life was all about. Although I'm sure I still have a lot more to learn I strongly believe that Happiness is key. Without happiness what is life really worth living?
9) I love music. I honestly relate to so many songs and their lyrics. I think its a beautiful gift to be able to touch so many people with your words and I would love nothing more than to be able to give that gift to others.
10) Which brings me to my final fact. Why am I writing a Blog?! I would never in a million years think that I would be one to do such a thing. But then again I never would have expected myself to be where I am today either. Ultimately the main reason behind all of this is one so I can vent and two because I'm in the process of finding out what I want to do with my life. I recently met someone that inspired me to follow heart and made me feel for the first time that maybe my beliefs and values weren't as crazy as I thought they were. I've always enjoyed writing and have always prided myself in how I can make myself come across exactly the way I want to when I write. So why not! I can't promise greatness but I can promise one thing. Everything I do will be true.
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